Not good enough

I have been struggling with this feeling lately.

For years and years and years, I have been okay with my life. I never once felt like I was less than anyone else. Sure, I may have had the odd moment when I wanted something I knew I could not afford, but for the most part, I have been happy with what I have.

Lately though, it seems like I just can't be content with what I have. I see other women, and wonder why I can't be prettier, thinner, more confident. That little green monster called Envy is starting to make me not content with what I have, is making me feel bad about myself for not having a new car, not owning a house, not having the 2.5 kids, or the million women friends in town to have coffee with. I don't watch much TV anymore, because I can't stand to see everything I don't have.

I have been trying to remind myself of what I DO have: I have everything I need, even if I don't have everything I want. We have a roof over our heads, a car that still has a few good miles in it, lots of family, clothes to wear, enough to eat, and enough for a few extras. I have casual friends, several good friends to email, and a hobby that makes me feel good about myself while spending time with great people. I get to help students in a positive manner, even if it sometimes feels like I am talking to myself. I have a son whom I love so much it scares me.

I am lucky beyond all reason to have what I have.

But that doesn't change what I see in some people's faces. These people do not know me. They see the older car, they hear we live in an apartment and not our own home, they see an empty ring finger on my left hand, and that friendly conversation with another school parent is pretty much over until the next open house or parents night forces us all together.

This never used to bother me.

But right now, on a Friday night, with another empty weekend ahead of me, I want to fold up. Instead, I am going to watch Battlestar Galactica in 7 minutes, and finalize my weekend plans, all of which include laundry, cleaning, and throwing away everything I hate. I am going to have fun with this!

I am going to have my iPod Shuffle (the original, purchased two years ago for my birthday) glued to my ears, and will listen to music non-stop while tearing apart the apartment. I will force myself into a better mood. When the cleaning is done, I am going to make myself a new court gown. It is going to have tons of hand detailing, with the goal to keep myself so busy that I don't have time to feel sorry for myself, and will have something gorgeous to wear next year to the faire.

This is a temporary state, and I am not going to let envy destroy me.