Mixed Feelings...

Five years ago, it was the most beautiful September day. The sky was a gorgeous blue, with very few clouds. I remember waking up, and going to work feeling like it was going to be the perfect day.

That feeling lasted until I got into the car to take my son to school, and the radio came on.

For months afterwards, I ate up all of the information I could get on what happened. I was glued to the television set when my son was asleep, or in another room. I read countless stories from witnesses, survivors. I had to assure myself that people DID survive. That they all weren't wiped away in an instant.

And then I stopped. I can't pinpoint when it happened, exactly. I just didn't want to see it anymore. I didn't want to hear about it. Or read about it. Sometime in the last four years, probably.

In any case, I woke up this morning, strangely rested, and in a good mood. It was a full two hours at work before I remembered what day it was. I mean, I knew the date, but it didn't hit me.

I went to a forum that I used to participate in, and did a search for the threads that were started that day, as we desperately searched for information on other participants. Everything from 2001 was gone from that site. Nothing at all left. Apparantly lost in a crash. That was really the only thing I wanted to read today, to remember the closeness and outpouring of concern that we all shared. When I found out that the files were gone, I shut that door in my head, and decided that I would not go any further into that corner of my memory today.

That is, until in the car on the way back from scouts tonight, my son asked me about it. His memory is fuzzy, and he says that none of his friends can remember anything about it. I think it is more that they can't separate what they remember from what is shown on television. He was very concerned, and I realized that by my denial to allow anything 9/11 related, I was robbing him of what he needed to fully comprehend and start healing.

I went through something similar when I was about the same age, with the Manson tornado, June 28, 1979. Of course, there are no handy VCR tapes, or DVDs from that time to help me put together what I remember with what really happened.

We have that resource.

So, we are going to sit down with a DVD/book that Dan Rather put together, called "What We Saw." I purchased this when it first came out, watched it once, and it has been on the book shelf gathering dust ever since.

I am doing this so that he can see for himself, what really happened. I owe it to him.